From complete surrender to a new hope

"Jumaa" a dari word for Friday, is a day off for the Afghan Army and so mentors were also off this day. I spent my day off sleeping and resting. I was relief to find out, we have at least one day off during the week. This day is the bazaar day as well, different vendors come to Camp Phoenix to sell goods. Shopping in Afghanistan was something I did not imagine doing but today I did go shopping. The vendors sold carpets, blankets, jewelries and some antique stuff.
Saturday came along, time to go back to work, I had some challenges with my afghan counterparts because the Colonel in charge of the Electronic and Communication division wanted me to sign a MOD Form 14 which I have no clue what it is about. I refused and when I did, he was upset and had told the interpreter that I have only been in the division for short period of time and he on the other had have been there for a long time and he does know about the job and has checked out the paperwork and I should just trust him and sign the paperwork. But I continued to refuse to sign the form, I was brief not to sign any MOD Forms unless I know what I am signing and that is exactly what I did. I think, I have placed myself on the bad side of the Afghan Colonel. I dislike not knowing my job here in Afghanistan, unlike in the US Air force I knew my job. If there is a problem in the system or process, I was first picked to correct the issue or problem. Even if it meant initiating a "Tiger Team" to find solution on particular problem, I was always on it. Now I feel like an Airman at the bottom of the totem pole. I know nothing and I had to ask someone else to help me which I felt bad because now I am taking away time from the other person or section he or she is mentoring, just to teach me the Afghan supply processes. This day I felt a little melancholy. Hopefully, Sunday is better day.
Sunday is not a better day either, it is getting worst. This day I was confronted with the question, Why I am not married? From the interpreters to the clerk and my Afghan counterparts, all wanted to know why am not married. They had explained that a woman my age should not be single. In the Afghan culture they will ask this personal question. I had to tell them my life story. I had told them I was married for seven years, divorced for seven years and I have one daughter. They ask me the original question with a twist, why I did not get married again? Had to explain that I am very busy woman and have no time. They did not like that reasoning, so I had to find another answer, so I told them I am catholic and with my religion am only suppose to get married once. I had an earful of reasons from my counterparts why it is in my best interest to get married again. My interpreter explained that in the Afghan culture single parents are frowned upon and women must marry or else they look down on them. I am profoundly grateful I live in the United States. At the end of the day, all I can think of is my daughter, how I miss her so much. It is not easy being a single parent and today my heart was filled with sorrow because I want to be with my kid and I cannot. I always beat myself up for leaving her even if I knew I had no choice. I have deployed several times in my career but it does not get easier. It hurts the same same way. But as the day passes by I am able to deal with the separation a little better. I have to push her out of my mind so I do not constantly think of her because if I do think of her and how much I miss her so much, a "Black Cloud hangs around me" as my dad describes it and it is true. Without my daughter, you can trace sadness in my life and I have learned to mask it, over a period time, but people who knows me well can distinguish when my daughter is away. This day I cried myself to sleep, wishing I can go home and be with my daughter and my family. I prayed to God to make me stronger to tackle the challenges in my life. And tomorrow is another day.
Today which is Monday, I woke up at 3 am like I have done since I arrived here but this time instead of getting up I forced my self to stay in bed until 6 am. My prayers last night made a difference today. I woke up with a new found enthusiasm to go to work and face my work challenges. Today was a good day. Instead of drinking 12 cups of tea like everyday, I only had 3, which is a measurement of the work I had to do. Less tea more work, more tea less work. I had signed many MOD 14 forms and made the Afghan colonel happy. Later I found out I have signed MOD 14 that I was not supposed to sign because of errors, but I shrugged my shoulder and said, "Inshalla", I would have to correct those errors tomorrow. The day got better when I received a phone call from a former team in Combat Skill Training, Major "Apps". I sure enjoy hanging out with Major because being around him meant learning new stuff or ideas. Today's class is learning how to shop for carpets. We have looked at a carpet that was so beautiful. He explained to me how to distinguish a high quality rugs to not so good one. I learned the smaller the knots on the back of the carpet the better quality. You also have to touch the carpet and the smoother it is the better quality. He had shown me one, that he had looked at earlier, and it is so gorgeous. The carpet felt like silk and the color matched my couch back home. I also liked the pattern but the price is not right, it costs $3,000. I wonder if I can talk the vendor in lowering the price. The vendor mentioned a carpet of very high quality is called, "Khoja Rhoshnai". I'll keep checking on it and maybe before I leave I will purchase a rug, I have to, it is one of a lifetime chance because I do not think I will come back in Afghanistan again. I sure enjoy hanging out with Major. My love for a MAC computer originated from him and then now carpets. I am glad he passed through Camp Phoenix. God is so good to me. He manages to lift my spirit up, every time it is down. He uses good people as instruments, to show me that it is going to be okay. Seeing Major, taught me a valuable lesson today, "No matter how alone you feel, you are never alone, there are always good people around you and good people you have met along your journey", just like Major "Apps". As the popular proverbs says, "If you only see one set of footprints on the sand its because Jesus was carrying you and he did not abandon you" and that is how I truly felt today. I was never alone. More experiences and challenges to face but each day I will find the strength to make each day, a day to remember.